What couldn't compel us? Sherlock Holmes vs a sea monster, a dinosaur, steampunk Iron Man and a goddamn ROBOT DRAGON!? This film HAD to be seen, the premise was just too bat shit insane.
Now with any Asylum film, you know you're in for all kinds of awful. CGI so laughable it makes anything the BBC puts out look positively realistic, acting so patchy you begin to suspect they just pulled random people off the street and the sort of plots you come up with while drunk.
The Asylum have made a name for themselves producing "Mockbusters", terrible B Movie films with titles strangely similar to current blockbusters... with a few exceptions.
One of their most known films is probably Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, which alas, i've yet to watch. But I have seen the depressingly bland Titanic 2, which just didn't live up to my expectations of ultimate bad taste. There wasn't even a damned monster! Bah.
Sherlock Holmes, i'm glad to say, DID deliver, far more than Titanic 2 ever could. And how could it not with a premise like that? Sherlock Holmes vs a robotic dragon in steampunk london, how could that NOT be awesome?
And it was awesome, though not without flaws.
Filmed almost entirely in Wales with a script no doubt written by Americans who'd never BEEN to the uk, there are several occasions where you just think "Uh.. what?"
Major anachronisms or plain mistakes (There are factories in Whitechapel?) contrast sharply with some baffling nods to things in the books often forgotten about in adaptations. Watson's military background being one such thing, which was a nice touch to see.
Unfortunately for some unknown reason the film makers decided to rename Mycroft and Sherlock, for no obvious reason. A move that just baffled both my partner and myself.
"Who the hell is T. Holmes?!" We both protested, though in the end, can you really expect that much accuracy from an Asylum film? I was personally surprised they'd gotten some things right!
Our story begins with the most atrocious cgi London skyline i've seen in a while, another move that baffled us. Was it really so difficult to get stock footage panning over London at night? Given the next scene, supposedly set during the blitz(!?) features modern landmarks, it wasn't as if they were really trying to be historically accurate. Hell, to be honest, this is a movie involving robot dinosaurs! It doesn't NEED to be historically accurate.
An aging Watson talks to his pretty young nurse, telling her this is the second time he's seen london burn. This is our framing device, and a decent enough nod to the format of the books...
He regales his nurse with a tale, urging her to note it down for him, Holme's most extraordinary case and the one he never wished to speak of again.
We jump back in time to 1882 apparently, and the remarkably dry deck of a merchantman which is promptly and entertainingly destroyed by Giant Octopus (I wonder if it's the same Giant Octopus from Mega Shark Vs....)
We cut to Watson (Played by Gareth David Lloyd of Torchwood fame) about to perform an autopsy when an astoundingly short and rather foppish Holmes wanders in and informs him that their train leaves in 20 minutes.
Watson protests that he has an autopsy to perform, at which point Holmes decides to show off. making Watson look like a moron by deducing the exact cause of death just by looking at the body. Having sufficiently beaten down the poor doctor by humiliating him and bruising his pride, he tells him once more they have a train to catch. Well Dr Watson, you've been well and truely whipped and we're only 5 minutes in.
They go to speak to the only survivor of the Merchantman, who's survival is simply never explained. Evidently upon eating everyone else on the ship Giant Octopus got bored and decided to let him live so he could drive forward the plot. That was mighty considerate of the beast wouldn't you say?
Watson deduces the over acting man is shell shocked and probably suffering a mental breakdown, but Holmes is certain there's more to it. (because who DOESN'T believe in giant boat eating cephalapods?)
Holmes decides now is a great time for a bit of absailing and sends Watson to go scale a cliff to get a good look at the boat wreck, which apparently washed ashore in a cove and... can't be accessed by boat because?
Oh right, because then we couldn't have an over long stunt scene!
10 minutes of fuck all happens, Watson gets pulled back up and tells them all he saw nothing (Which makes him a lying asshole because he totally saw a boat and a corpse in the water, that counts as something!)
We cut to what is supposedly Whitechapel but looks more like somebody's basement. A young man tries to hire a worryingly ageing prostitute and god sends a fucking dinosaur to smite him. Well, I suppose getting your face eaten is better than syphilis.
The mini T-Rex then flatly refuses to eat the whore... seems dino here doesn't want Syphilis either.
We cut to the following morning in Holmes and Watson's little bedsit. They're eating breakfast and i'm sure it's not just me who senses the sexual tension. Like an old married couple they bicker about the previous day, because you know, nothing says "I value you as a friend" like letting your buddy almost fall to his death while needlessly abseiling. Seriously Holmes, you couldn't charter a boat WHY?
Lover's tiff averted, Watson reads the news to Holmes (d'aww) and remarks that the story of a beast in Whitechapel is "preposterous drivel". Of course Holmes doesn't agree, because well, you know, it's fun to disagree with Watson and make him feel like an ass. They leave for their morning stroll through the park and end up being chased by a ninja dinosaur and the Evil Dead.
Running back and forwards through the same section of woods probably isn't the best idea when trying to escape a T-Rex, even if said T-Rex is only about 6 foot tall at most.
Of COURSE Holmes finds a clue, a shred of... rubber? Looks awfully like a piece of tyre to me. Meanwhile Watson discovers the pump for the park fountain has been nicked... by the dinosaur?
Jackass police officer shows up and threatens Watson for no obvious reason, because obviously the doctor could SO rip a hole in a shed and steal a water pump right? Actually.. in this movie...
Holmes comes to the rescue, once more proving Watson ineffectual and useless.
Later, at work, a needlessly creepy woman and her unbelievably young "uncle" show up at Watson's work for medications. Because apparently creepy chick is hot, Watson just hands over everything they ask for, even inviting this woman to the opera. But Holmes screws that up by calling Watson and telling him they have a date of their own. Watson is obviously pissed off, now Holmes owes him hot opera box sex.
Not content with ruining Watson's plans, Holmes then dresses up like a wounded soldier just to fuck with the guy. Amused by his childish prank, he leads the good doctor to a copper factory where he's arbitrarily decided that kleptomaniac dinosaur will strike next.
But what? Watson asks, Does a dinosaur want with copper wire? Which is a very good point. And what does all this have to do with the giant octopus?
Well, of course the giant octopus needed to steal the gold on the merchantman! Why? To pay for the dinosaur!
Yes, at this point we've given up trying to follow the logic. "Roll with it" becomes my mantra of the night.
They decide to wait for the thief to show up, and show up it does.
After proving he actually can't shoot for peanuts, Watson is pushed out of the way of a falling... something... and Holmes is injured.
At last proving himself somewhat useful, Watson carries Holmes home and stitches up his wound.
The following morning we learn that apparently Watson is some sort of magician because not only is Holmes feeling better, he can walk absolutely fine despite the gaping gash in his leg.
They go for another stroll and Inspector Douche bag from earlier shows up, All three go to chat to the foreman of a random factory, who reluctantly lets the inspector in while he goes to find records of who last bought a whole lot of rubber recently.
Tyrannosaurus Klepto shows up and somehow torches the place (with explosives!). It also mutilates the forman and throws him through a window. Pretty good going for a creature with no real use of arms or opposable digits.
On the corpse Holmes finds a piece of stone which he identifies as coming from only one place in the whole country, a castle near where he grew up.
Convenient. I wonder if his past will have any bearing on this mystery. Bets anyone?
Of course this means it's time for a little B&E at Castle plot contrivance. After being spotted, presumably by robotic surveillance peacocks rather than due to their WONDERFUL stealth, the pair are locked in a closet (Symbolism?). Holmes picks the lock on a convenient grating and they escape into the basement of curiosities.
Here they find the deactivated dinosaur and giant octopus, both apparently robots (Well why not?). They also discover Iron Man, who comes to life and kicks the crap out of them both.
For no apparent reason he reveals himself as none other than Sherlock's BROTHER! Le gasp! I so hadn't called that 20 minutes earlier!
Mycroft? Hell no, Mycroft's too good to be in this movie. This brother is apparently named Thorpe, the forgotten middle child perhaps?
and oh plot twist! It's also the druggie uncle from earlier! Ho ho, what a tangled web. Imagine, the one character we've been randomly introduced to turns out to be the villain!? Yes, i've seen Scooby Doo too.
"and i'd have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!"
Apparently Thorpe is wheelchair bound after inspector Douchbag shot him in the back during their last case together, which sounds like something Douchbag would do. He used his technology, all the stolen shit and Watson's meds to create his suit which keeps him alive blah blah blah de blah.
Throughout his mad genius speech he continually refers to Holmes as "Robert", because apparently "Sherlock" wasn't good enough. (And here was I hoping for a "no shit Sherlock" joke.)
So "Robert" and "Thorpe" Holmes huh?
Anyway, before "Robert" can do anything useful, creepy chick shoots him in the chest and he falls down. Alas. Of course we all know he can't be dead but Watson proves what an AMAZING doctor he is by not even checking for a pulse.
For whatever reason Thorpe decides he wants to kill the queen... because don't ALL mad geniuses want to kill the queen? He loads up creepy chick, who it turns out is a clockwork sexbot (or so I assume) with some sort of explosive and sends her to Buckingham palace to blow up the royal family.
Meanwhile he ties up Watson in a Bond-like death trap that will tear him limb from limb if he moves and wanders off to pilot his robot dragon, with inspector Douche bag nicely gagged and bound to act as scapegoat for the entire scheme. Because yes, that's believable... Inspector Douche bag SO has access to magical technology and dinosaurs right? Then again, apparently crippled ex police inspectors do so maybe it's just one of those things in this world. Everyone has a robotic T-Rex in their cellar.
As the bad guys take off, "Robert" appears to save the day huzzah! The bullet OBVIOUSLY was caught by his tobacco box! DUH!
Releasing Watson and hijacking a balloon... helicopter... thing (I have no fucking clue at this point ok, roll with it). Watson gives him his gun saying he'll find something else, and the two lovers.. I mean... partners... part company.
As Holmes takes to the sky, Watson raids the castle for a mcguffin and heads off on the worlds fastest horse to stop sexbot turned suicide bomber.
Thorpe sets fire to large chunks of London, enjoying every moment of it till his little bro shows up and starts shooting at him with a fucking machine gun.
That'd piss me off too. So the two duke it out over badly composited London while Sexbot approaches the Palace.
Evidently the queen employs morons as guards, not highly trained soldiers. After a pointless few minutes of them telling her to go away, Watson shows up on a horse faster than a train and shoots her.. repeatedly.. with what I thought was a flintlock pistol but apparently just looks like one.
This of course does nothing, but even when bullets ricochet off her back and she effortlessly throws the doctor into some bushes, the guards still stand there like slack jawed imbeciles. She wrestles the gun off of one guard and shoots the others.
Also, apparently the Queen only employs FOUR guards, that or all the others were on their fag break.
Watson gets back up and wrestles sexbot to the ground before injecting her with the requisite McGuffin serum which shuts her down and stops the count down. My, that was convenient.
Both Holmes' crash land into the gardens of the palace, Watson proves his prudence by approaching the wounded Thorpe and gets his gun stolen in the process. Seriously Watson, wtf?
But fear not! Sherlock/Robert parachutes to the ground and shoots his brother in the head before he can hurt his buddy/whipping boy.
They save Douche bag and Holmes smugly assures him that his brother was wrong, he didn't shoot him. The bullet that came out of him was actually from a different gun (You'd THINK THORPE WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT! but whatever..)
Then he charitably lets the Inspector take all the credit and clean up the mess while he and Watson go home to make out... I mean.. ahh screw it.
How the hell they covered up a robotic dragon burning half the city... well, I don't think the movie cares so why should we?
After this comes a pointless scene explaining the needless name change. Apparently Sherlock's first name is Robert but he dropped it in favour of his middle name... Because you know, Sherlock is SO a name you CHOSE to go by.
We cut back to Nurse and Old Watson. Nurse asks Watson if it's all true but of course, convenience insists he has to die upon finishing his story. What an obliging grim reaper, letting him finish before claiming him.
Nurse visits a remarkably difficult to access graveyard to visit Watson's grave and spies creepy sexbot visiting Thorpe's grave... raising the question, who the fuck reactivated her? (I suspect Mycroft did, for some complex Machiavellian scheme we mere mortals could never comprehend... that or for sex... because you know, nothing is sexier than your brother's used realdoll.)
Overall it was an enjoyable film but I found myself constantly expecting a Ianto/Jack moment between Holmes and Watson.
Oh YEAAAAH
So this Holmes gets my personal thumbs up. It's insane, it's muddled and it's the usual mess you expect from a straight to video shitfest but for once, this is actually entertaining shit! Unlike Titanic 2... which I shall review in this short sentence:
Nothing happens, VERY slowly.
Sherlock Holmes delivered all it promised, and for that, it deserves a watch from any lover of god awful B movies.
